I think this time I spent too much, broke too much, let go too much. Each time I hope it might be different and oftentimes I find, it’s not that different.
“If you have seen one, you have seen them all.” Ladies, you know what I’m talking about. Each time we think we can let go, share our inner selves and every now and again someone comes along and we decide to let it all go. We think, we hope, we feel that they are worth it. We end up depleted, slightly heart broken and each time we do this it cuts a little bit deeper. In my case it cuts into stone and flesh.
How does that happen? How do we, how do I go backwards and forwards and backwards again? Can I continue doing this until I arrive at the beginning? Not the beginning of us, the beginning of me.
See each time I find myself a little closer to myself at the end of being broken. Then each time I seem to find myself again. I find the youthful me that has to find ways to enjoy myself alone. Then I return to everything that I loved, that I put aside just a little, because you gave me joy.
I find that when someone comes along who adds joy to our lives the things we enjoy doing the most are not done as frequently as they once were. We have a new happy place and men, fair as it may not seem, that new happy place is you. At the same time we become that happy place for you. In the beginning men you call us throughout the day, you text us just to say hi. You go out of your way to see us, whisper sweet nothings in our ear and then, something happens. What is that thing that causes you to lose interest so quickly? Are you losing interest at all or is it complacency. I think it’s the Quest. You guys are like Conquistadors coming for the kill. You kill off every other potential mate, secure the Queen then you sit down, on your throne. Sike, you sit down in your cave leaving us in our castles. Castles that we had BEFORE you. See Queens already posses everything that we need to be Queens. Having a King doesn’t make us a Queen. That only makes us Queens that are no longer lonely, at least we aren’t supposed to be.
I want to go back. I want to go back to my beginning when I didn’t know how awesome love could be. I want to go back to being 3 years old when I didn’t want to share. Share my belongings, share my toys, share my heart, share my world. I want to go to those selfish days when I read books in a corner whilst everyone went out to play, because I don’t want to play anymore. I want to learn. I want to learn more about this fascinating species called “Men”. I don’t want to learn as a spectator anymore. I want to learn as a participant. A partner in the world of a King. That’s where I want to learn. I want to wake up and watch you go through the day and be puzzled about what’s so different in your brain that it makes more sense for you to leave your shoes where you sat. I want to try to understand why chewing with your mouth open is acceptable or why I’m comfortable with you being comfortable farting in front of me but I can’t imagine even peeing in front of you. I want to try to understand why you love me while you try to show me how you even arrived at that point. Don’t you get it? We don’t want the games anymore. Save that for the Game of Thrones or Poker Night with the fellas. We want the roses and breakfast in bed. You’re not going to give your boys roses or cook him breakfast in bed are you? Chalk it up to the game. After some point and time in your life don’t you want all of this for longer than a NY cold?
Perhaps I am different. Perhaps I am crazy for not minding putting myself out there, losing, and then doing it again. I have a feeling this cycle won’t stop but what you need to realize is that each time I learn a little but more, because each time I’ve had the “privilege” of being a spectator and a participant at least for a little while. So what do you think happens once you master being both?
I’ll let your mind wonder, and wonder, until you catch me.
Black widow baby,
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