“The truth is you can be orphaned again and again and again. The truth is, you will be. And the secret is, this will hurt less and less each time until you can’t feel a thing. Trust me on this.” – Chuck Palahniuk
When a mother loses her child both are instantly void of a bond that was never meant to be broken. Whether the mother has lost the child to death or to the viable life of an orphan there is a breaking in the Universe. The stars instantly separate yet stay connected in a way that is beyond understanding. I recall being ripped from my mum as a child. I recall crying myself to sleep every night. I recall praying to God to give us one more day. One more day to see each other. One more day to feel a bond that was once rose petals, barbie dolls, sunshine, and beaches. In the meantime I would suffer. She would suffer and because, of the break we would suffer for life.
After being an orphan you are an orphan again and again and again. Despite aging out of foster care I found myself an orphan in society. I was an orphan in college on holidays, having no one to celebrate with. Even if I saw my siblings, even if we visited former homes that cared for us, at the table, looking around, we were and still are orphans. During my marriage I was an orphan. Though my attempts to build a family were very present, something about him did not connect to me. There was no love nor care and I found myself feeling the remnants of my childhood. Eating dinner alone, sleeping alone, celebrating our anniversary alone, and so much more. Then once again post divorce, I am an orphan again. Navigating my way through life with minimal essentials. Lack of love, support, and understanding.
Very few yet so many can fathom the walk of an orphan. Our missions are different. In essence we are starting from scratch over and over again yet the board is never wiped clean.
“…for those like us, our fate is to face the world as orphans, chasing through long years the shadows of vanished parents. There is nothing for it but to try and see through our missions to the end, as best we can, for until we do so, we will be permitted no calm.” -Kazuo Ishiguro
Our struggle is a bit different yet similar to those of extreme hardships. We find the lost meaning of life early on bringing us closer to the desire of things that are most important in this Universe. We appreciate the value of friendships as we once had none. We value parenting as we once had no parents leaving us longing to have children, longing to have a family. We value the struggle, we appreciate the breaks of success, we long for the beauty of flowers, love, and things that were once lost. We tend to dedicate our lives to giving as we know how many are in need as we are still in need. We long to fill a void in this Universe and perhaps this is the mission that the Universe designed for us.
“I love how New York as an idea is less a paradigm of manifest destiny and more a romance for the social orphans of the world. We live here to be among the towers and the crowds.” – Chris Benz
When I came to NY I discovered my mission, my purpose as a Artist, a Philanthropist, a Activist, a Model in the sense of Fashion yet also in the World. I realized the ONE thing I was designed for. To uplift the orphans of society. To encourage the broken hearted. To love the unlovable in hopes that they will see the Light in this world and gravitate towards it for it is our Light not our Darkness that empowers US. It is the Towers of Light that brings a better tomorrow and washes the Darkness of yesterday away. Those are the Towers I build upon.
On days like today, Mother’s Day becomes a redundancy as we constantly hear “Happy Mother’s Day.” It is not a happy day for us and it is not a happy day for our mothers. We are forced to remember the pain of our childhoods whilst they are forced to remember the loss of a child. I don’t celebrate this day as many do. I consider it another day, another day without a mother. Though I know who she is it becomes difficult to celebrate her. I appreciate the gift of life, but it is my belief that the gift of life was not hers to give. That was an extension of my Creator, she was just the bearer. A mother to me is not someone who carried me in the womb. A mother to me is one who carried me through life. That she did not do, was not capable of doing, for whatever reason. My Creator designed the Universe to carry me in order for me to carry a part of the Universe. He orchestrated magical happenings to ensure His gift was more than well taking care of. Even when I am in need, in pain, struggling beyond my belief, He assures that by the time I lay my head I have what I need to carry on. These are the things we must remember. If we look back and squint through the pain we will see that colorful rainbow that carried us no matter the Darkness that surrounded.
To those who could be Mothers and those who could not, to those who did not get their chance I salute you. In more ways than one you carried something albeit pain, joy, guilt, you carried something in this Universe that contributes.
“What difference does it make to the dead, the orphans, and the homeless, whether the mad destruction is wrought under the name of totalitarianism or the holy name of liberty or democracy?” -Mahatma Gandhi
It’s the difference between Life and Death of a Universe. That is the difference.
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