Desperate times cause for desperate measures. At least that is the age old saying. Perhaps when you are contemplating how you are going to pay the remaining monthly balance on your car note then breaking into your under-the-mattress savings account is a great time to apply such ancient wisdom. Yes in times like piling bills desperate times causes for desperate measures however, try not to leave yourself too desperate. Hell avoid desperation entirely! That would be my suggestion, but, realistically, that is not possible. So in the event you find yourself stranded in the pitfalls of life try to avoid the following:
1) Avoid going back home to your parents.
2) Avoid every and all ideas to become a stripper and or porn star.
3) Try to avoid borrowing money. Note: I said borrow, however it is 100% acceptable to plead with all family members, friends, and close business associates for cold hard cash when in need, pending that all parties understand that it is NOT a loan. He he he, just kidding.
4) Avoid Craigslist scams offering to provide free rent in exchange for a personal assistant or in exchange of light house duties. What they really aim to hire is a slave or prostitute in which they aim to abuse by taking advantage of those they deem weak who are in situations where they are in need making their “offer” appear like a miraculous happening. What these “employers” claim to seek versus what they are seeking has led me to extend long hard lessons to the world how these under cover pervs operate in today’s advanced society. Talk about being a wolf in sheep’s clothing, geez!
I bring these warnings to the forefront of your attention as I recently have encountered numerous, oh too numerous amounts of people claiming to hire someone in exchange for free or reduced rent. BEWARE of the wolves lurking around on Craigslist while your innocently browsing for a job, housing, or simply the sweet kind of deal that only graces Craigslist once every blood moon the craigslist crews are seeking their next victim. Hey, I understand the hopes and joys of turning to Craigslist. I bought my first Louis Vuitton on Craigslist and yes, we got it authenticated so I’m there with you hopeful Craigslisters. Seriously though, upon arriving in NY with all of my talent and zero job I went to trusty old rusty Craigslist, only to find CL should be called DL as it is not trusty at all. This is really a mixture of common sense and extreme paranoia of the online dangers that exist awaiting the fate of innocent bystanders of this great world, but these dangers are real and not be taken lightly. Upon my arrival to NY I sought people offering rooms for rent on CL, especially the reduced rent opportunities. You know, I just moved to NY, I’m an artist and don’t have the last 2 paychecks to show you, but I need a room. The room needs to be available yesterday, preferably NO deposit required, be convenient near public transportation, food, and washeteria, etc. NO absolutely NO roaches, rats, or raccoons. Please be in a safe neighborhood, please be pet friendly, and oh yeah, I just started my new job yesterday, I can afford about $200 a week, and I do have reputable references for you.
*Ding* Smiles (pearly whites shine like diamonds).
Thoughts as I browse Craigslist: Please don’t be in the hood, please dont have mold, please don’t be a perv. Please, please, PLEASE! Well, who am I kidding, the landlord is a male, its NY, 98% chance he is a perv!
The ad reads:
Seeking Personal Assistant for Free or Reduced Rent
I’m a professional male in my 40s, rarely at home, looking for a personal assistant to help out with work, perhaps light cleaning, and cooking every now and again.
Your thoughts as you read the above ad, “OMG, this is to good to be true,” as you rush to click on the reply button to email the culprit of this entrapping ad. This is a classic Craigslist ad that should awaken the devil and angel on your shoulders and smack you in the face at the same time with baby powder, and then Nutella, just for kicks. This is a scam people! A really big, really stupid, really exhausting, very insecure of the really ridiculous person seeking an “assistant” kind of scam. I, of course being a bit too curious, have responded to posts similar to this thinking only half way thinking that by a slither of a chance the person would be genuine. I mean come on, there are some good people left in the world, but NO, NO, and H-E- Double Hockey Sticks NO! Those ads lead to one road and one road only. “Uh, do you give body massages?” [in my Dumb and Dumber voice]. I’m sorry douche bag but body massages are not in the scope of a Personal Assistants job and anyone who is legitimately a personal assistant giving full body massages is either a sex slave or the Personal Assistant of Charlie Sheen, or both!
I seriously had one guy that I already told at least 2 months ago that I was not interested in his offer and that he should get some real balls (like the kind that hang between the legs of a real man), go online and get a girl friend like the rest of the insecure scared men in the world, OR do like the rest of them and go to a strip club or get a call girl. Simple. Well HE decided that maybe if he waited two months that I would get weary of the grim and bleak situation that I must still be enduring and that if he re-approached on his white horse adorned in his shining armor offering me this very special Personal Assistant job to change my world and keep me from homelessness forever that I might actually accept. HA! Oh and don’t forget that I get on the job training on how to specialize in the art of body massages. Oh goody, I get to build my resume for my next life changing dream job! Are you bathing in my sarcasm yet? Get real perv! As if I’m going to be able to save so much money I will live and work there until I can by myself a penthouse on top of Donald Trumps building. By that time he will probably be living in the white house and won’t need the penthouse anymore and I can leave it in my will for my firstborn grandson. Really Mr. Perv, really? Did you think I was going to accept your offer? Of course you did! Why you say? Because am sure some dim wit in a really low place probably took you up on the last offer you shelled out and you learned that eventually someone desperate enough, someone low enough, and in need enough would finally take you up on your low life offer because they had no where else to go! You sick son of Lucipher. Wake up people and stop being so lazy that it is easier for you to prey on others instead of correcting your poor sense of character and high ability to suck as an individual. People like you make me too sick to stay in bed. Be aware ladies and gents who are in a tough situation for there are far more people willing to take from you than they are willing to give to you. Life as you know it is not free and most things to be acquired or obtained in this life are going to cost you your time, dedication, a pretty penny, your soul, and or all of the above. Don’t find yourself in a situation where you are down and out and certain avenues to alleviate your situation start sounding like good ideas though even a atheists pastor would shutter at the thought of most of the ideas. That means NO, don’t do it. Be patient, another way, a better way will come.
Too often we end up in situations where we need help but maybe we don’t know how to get that help or where to go for help. Perhaps we have asked for help before and found out that we were alone. The light will eventually come offering solutions to whatever situation you are in. Take it from someone who has ridden so many waves that I could probably beat out a professional surfer and shark. The light always comes. Your blessing is on its way and I know you have been waiting for a long time but do me a favor and just keep waiting because you know your not going anywhere anyway, right? The solution to your problem is no where near the regret that you will live with should you do something that causes you to lose your dignity. Never do something for money that you wouldn’t do for free and if something you would do for free would make your mother lose her dignity but not yours, you need to re-evaluate your character.
Words of the Wise.
Photo Credit: B.Kennedy
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