There is an effect from foster care that as I get older I am realizing the damage to my relationships and the root of it all. It makes me a bit angry and I am not one for anger. When I think about it I would like to hit, punch, kick, slap my mother in the face for all of her cop outs that are costing me happiness in this life. How can I say it bluntly? I love hard! I love so hard and so loyal that though this unconditional love is beautiful it is hard for others to comprehend. Why do I love so hard? Simple because I had so little of it growing up so I love others in a way that says, “If no one has ever loved you I do.” Just out of knowing what it felt like to feel unloved I have overcompensated by loving others out of a need, the need to be loved.
They say love is a universal language and it is but not everyone’s love is UNCONDITIONAL. To love in a unconditional way is to love selflessly. It’s a all patient, all encompassing kind of love that few are lucky to experience and even less know how to give it. I have learned over the past few years that I love in this way and it’s scary for others who love me. Though it is beautiful and rewarding it is also demanding for them. Not because I am demanding but because the level of love requires any human being who is selfless to realize I deserve to have that same type of love back. When I was able to realize this I felt sorry for everyone I had ever loved. I felt that it wasn’t fair to them for me to put such emphasis on them. See foster care robs people of so much and this is never an excuse but it is the reason for so much misunderstanding. We grew up with so little that we need so much and it’s simply unbalanced for our loved ones. Since we have no family we create a family for ourselves out of our husbands, significant others, and our friends. As a result of not having mom or dad to call we call our spouses and rely on them to support us emotionally so much that they can end up feeling drained. We should not do that. We need to learn, I need to learn not to make my spouse be a lover, friend, and best friend AND also fill the shoes of mom, dad, sister, and brother. Now how to make a change in this area will take time, dedication, and persistence BUT it CAN be done! We have to find healthy ways to fill the void of not having a family if we ever want to build a healthy one. Find something you love to do and do it often. Try not to pick up the phone every time there is a problem and call your significant other. You don’t have to be reclusive and not share things with them and if you really need advice then ask but set boundaries. Life is stressful for others too and we never know what they are dealing with without dropping the daily chaos that may be our lives onto them. As weird as it is we (foster care alumni) have a HIGH tolerance for stress and what is considered “life” for us is tragic for others. We can take things in stride but they may see these small daily molehills as volcanos ready to erupt and push them further and further away.
This may all be very intimate advice as it is personal for me but I believe there are people who could gain from this. There are lovely people out there who love to be loved and there are people waiting to love them that need to understand where the love comes from.
Happy loving. I pray you all find that unconditional love because there is nothing more beautiful.
Photo Credit: Bre
© [bre] and [https://letmeseethelight.wordpress.com], . Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to [bre] and [https://letmeseethelight.wordpress.com] with appropriate and specific direction to the original content