A year ago I went on a quest to find my father. It was not an in depth, “Who is my dad” kind of search yet a subtle curiosity that took hold and before I knew it I was not even sure why I was on this journey but I could not seem to get off. It was slow brewing. I would call and leave a voicemail then forget about it then a few months later something would peak my interest and I would call and not leave a voicemail. This has gone on for a year. There seemed to be no rhyme or reason but I had started something and I had to see it through. I blogged about my first experience reaching out (https://letmeseethelight.wordpress.com/2012/09/16/lonliness-part-2/) then another experience (https://letmeseethelight.wordpress.com/2013/03/08/father-where-art-thou/) when I reached out and I guess I may have been a bit discouraged by the lack of response on his end (my alleged father that is). Today once again I decided to call. As I sat down to paint my nails before heading out to purchase materials for my husband’s book signing this weekend I dialed his work number. I am expecting the familiar routine: secretary, “He is in a session. Would you like his voicemail?” To my surprise she says, “Hold on one second,” and after a few moments a males voice comes on the line and my heart drops. I am nervous and I cannot tell you verbatim what my first few sentences of the conversation were. I do recall apologizing for phoning him at work and I informed him that I in no way want anything from him. Somewhere in between all of that I managed to be able to tell how I came to know of him. I did not have a speech prepared, as I did not think I would be able to speak with him and presumed that I would need to ask the secretary for the physical address so that I may send a letter.
We spoke for a few minutes and considering that he was at work he took my information and said that he would call me when he got off of work. I am hopeful that he will call back especially since he stated that he did not know his father and knows what that feels like. So I am waiting and the feeling is similar to the level of anticipation that one has when they have given their number to a courter and are waiting for the phone to ring. It is weird to connect it to that but it is the only thing I can seem to connect it to. I suppose it is the waiting part that feels similar. The type of excitement or nervousness I feel waiting for my alleged father to ring is drastically different than the feeling I got waiting for my courter to ring before we wed. Notwithstanding, I am waiting.
I am curious as to what the future holds not that he has confirmed knowing my mother and having a relationship with her of some sorts. I am not clear on what that relationship is exactly but I will find out more when we speak. The part I am concerned about is the “what now?” I want to get a DNA test done to see if he is my father before attempting to build a relationship. Then if he is I suppose that we would need to discuss whether or not to move forward with creating a relationship. I would want to. Finding my father could actually have a really positive ending or it can end the way many things in my life have. In which I am forever grateful that God has provided me with a magnitude of coping skills built over a lifetime to endure.
Here we go again, life for me is always a roller coaster ride, a Hollywood adventure constantly unfolding.
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