Today I feel motivated. This has been an unusual feeling for me as those who read, “NOrdinary” have become familiar with my feelings of becoming “wilted. Over the past few days I have felt a burst of energy brewing that I thought was getting lost in the fussiness of life. Then like a lightening bolt it has hit.
This new surge is partially due to my unhappiness and recent proactive behavior to dig myself out of the trench I was falling into. I have contacted a group called Foster Care Alumni Of America. I strongly advise anyone who has endured foster care or is interested in a program that they can support to visit their website at http://www.fostercarealumni.org. Originally when I aged out of foster care I did not want to be involved with others from foster care. I can hear my readers gasp now. It is true I did not want to surround myself with others who were in half as much pain as I was. I wanted sunshine not pain. That is my remix to Frankie Beverly and Maize’s “Joy and Pain” lyrics. Life was hard enough and the group home I was living in before moving in with my sister left me despondent and indifferent to being around others who had a lifetime of negativity brewing inside of them. I know it sounds weird. At that time I was just in no position to give to others what I really did not have. Encouraging myself was hard enough without having a circle of people around me to have to encourage. Please do not misunderstand me. I always wanted to help others it was just a difficult time for me transitioning out of foster care and I utilized that time to separate myself from my past. I pray this is making sense. Nonetheless I feel now I am in a position to be that voice I have always had a desire to be for children in foster care and for the adults who walked out of a system that left them, us, bleeding emotionally. Now I am excited and it seems that though I am not where I want to be per se, it is all coming together. In combination with this blog and the networks I have been making I feel rather rejuvenated from the dump I was in last week. It makes a difference when you approach life from a positive angle. For a while I was really getting down about these doors that had yet to open up for me. My job above all was drowning me in the reality of not being at my full potential that the sadness was overtaking me. Nothing extravagant has occurred. I have not been offered the job of my dreams that has turned my attitude into a 360-degree of positivity. I simply decided that if I wanted doors to open I had to be ready to knock. At the same time I was not sitting down twiddling my thumbs waiting for life to happen. I have been trying. Despite my efforts I managed to get discouraged and now I am back. I feel ready for the road ahead of me though I know there will be bumps and along this journey of helping others I will be healed of my own unresolved issues, but I am excited. One thing I do know is that helping others is more than just what it does for others though that is the goal, to be a voice, but in the process I am becoming a voice for myself. That is more powerful than what I knew as the words hit the screen from the tips of my fingers I realized, I am doing more than I could have ever imagined. This story is not just his story, the lost little ones of the world, somehow in my 5’10” frame and 26 years of age it is still my story. Painfully waiting for the dust cover to be removed and while I advocate for others layer by layer the dust falls away from the depths of my trenches.
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