Lately life seems to be a task. Things that had once been enjoyable are becoming, as my husband would say, “The bane of my existence.” I fear that I am wilting away in the midst of the daily occurrences that I should find joy in.
Am I wrong? Is my choice to be miserable instead of grateful part of my flawed being. I am sure of it! What I am not sure of is why I am not living at my full potential. Everyday that I take in my surroundings I feel I am supposed to be living a life that I am not living, yet. Why? That is my million dollar question to God.
I have these dreams. They have been in me for so long that they don’t even seem like dreams. They are my destiny, my career path waiting to unfold, my ingenuity waiting to be unleashed. Since I was a kid, like others, I have been dreaming. When I was in second or third grade I sat at my old school desk in my room with a folder that had two pockets and silver brads. I placed pages upon pages inside of my folder where I started to write my first book. I was all of 8 or 9 and I decided I would be an author. I am revising my first book now.
Then at around 11 or 12 when my first nephew was born I invested in a Anne Geddes photo album to place all of his baby pictures in. It was at that moment that I fell in love with photography where I made a unconscious vow to one day be a photographer. Today I have a B.F.A in Art with an emphasis on Photography. What a dream.
At age 13 my middle school track coach took me to my first modeling gig, a Seventeen Magazine competition. I think it was Seventeen, either that or Teen Vogue. The winner would get a modeling contract and a spread in the magazine. My coach taught me how to walk, how to spin, pose – the works. I felt like a deer in the headlights walking down that runway with all of those people. Though I did not win, it made me turn to the fashion world with a vengeance of interest. Little did I know that Seventeen years later I would take a job in NYC as a showroom model at M5 Showroom on West Broadway in SoHo, catty-corner to Next Model Management. Ironic or destiny?
Now I am 26 years old and I have had time to grow. Some of my dreams have become my reality and some seem to touch the tip of my fingertips every day of my life. My biggest setback in the pursuit of modeling was location. I went to a University in Texas far from the major cities housing the fashion scenes during the prime of a model’s career, my early twenties. Today I am living miles from a large city brewing with fashion and art, yet I am not making the breaks that I need to step into the next phase of my life. Again I look up to the sky with my hands open and palms up and ask Him, “Why?”
I have never been ordinary. My life has never been simple and I have never been classic. I have embraced my uniqueness in ways that are so colorful that a color wheel would be threatened by my presence. My motto is, “Matching is overrated!” In addition, I have often lived by the general rule of thumb, “My name is Bre and I can do what I want.” Of course these sayings have been used liberally as an excuse to stretch my boundaries while they have mainly been used to motivate my passions to fruition. The world will tell you, “You are average,” or “That dream is too big.” Unlike other children around me as a kid I never thought, “I want to be a doctor,” or a “Lawyer.” Though later in life my own experience in foster care would give me the desire to be an advocate for children wearing the very title of, “Lawyer.” Though a trip to pursue modeling in NYC changed that and morphed into my first and only change in my major from Poli-Sci to Art. I am walking breathing art. It is not what I do or create, it is who I am. In most things that I do I find that there is nothing average about it. What do people who are not average do with their life? Nothing ORDINARY! My dreams are to be that model, that fashion photographer that combines art and marketing so aesthetically appeasing that the viewer would get lost in inspiration, that designer who takes utilitarian and art to a level beyond Avant Garde. These are not just dreams, they are my life.
It is like being born and then waiting for your body to start breathing. That is how I feel every day of my life feeling so close to seeing a “dream” come to fruition. For now I go to my job where I am a saleswoman at the local high-end luggage store and I am reminded often that this job is not my dream. I am not only reminded by my own thoughts, but the thoughts of others. More than a few clients have verbalized things like, “Why are you here, you should be in a magazine somewhere.” Their inquiries are more than a question to my current position to existence of space. They are not just asking why I am located in that store, because the obvious would be disrespectful as I am working! No I am not offended, because I understand their inquiries and find myself asking Him the same thing. Why are you here, selling me luggage, why are you not living at your (not ordinary) potential that is so naked to my strangers eye?” That is what they are inquiring and my answer is, “He has not told me why yet, He only said He would and He never said when.”
See I am a firm believer that when you are operating where God designed you things will seem right. When you are doing what He made you to do it will come in a language that you will understand. A mathematician may not be designed to be a mechanic. It is not his gift. Too often we find ourselves wilting away doing jobs that we were not created to do. One can not make their life perfect when they are operating imperfectly.
I am at my breakthrough and I do not know when it is coming, but I know I am where I am supposed to be in life. Though I get weary in this job that I am in I use my daily experiences to network. Everyday is not a good day and everyday is not a bad day but each day I go to work it is confirmation that this is only temporary. My heart is not there though my body stands. To do otherwise would be to accept ordinary and that would suck out the vibrations of my color and wilt away my purpose.
Don’t accept ordinary when you were made for more.
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