I Said, “I Don’t”

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Theoretically I am a newlywed.  I have been married for seven months and I feel like the day that was supposed to be the happiest day of my life is the day I said, “I don’t.”  Looking back I had no regrets marrying my fiancé on that warm day in August of 2012.  I was ready.  I had spent time fasting and praying for this day.  There have been so many times when I made decisions based upon what I wanted to do.  This time I prayed for what God wanted for me.  Call me crazy, but I did and I am terribly sad about it.

Let me be clear my husband is a good man.  I will leave it at that.  I am blessed and I do feel fortunate, but I also feel a lack.  A lack of love, of understanding, of compassion, and of warmth.

On August 10th, 2012, I said, “I don’t.”  “I don’t have dreams that are bigger than the suburbs.  I don’t mind being a stepmom.  I don’t mind being the third wheel to your life.  I don’t mind that you forget I am your wife.  I don’t mind getting married where honorable judges preside deciding the fates of criminals.  I don’t mind that no one I love was there on our wedding day.  I don’t mind that we don’t have pictures from our wedding, because you did not like the solitude atmosphere in the images from the lack of presence of humans so you barely showed me the photos, never sent them to me, and then your phone crashed losing the memories of this ‘special day.’  I don’t mind that I did not get to be a princess and wear a beautiful wedding gown even if I never envisioned myself wearing white.  I don’t mind that everything about us screamed untraditional, because I typically frown at conventional anyway embracing my uniqueness.  I don’t mind that you can’t even tell me when we are going to have this wedding that you promised we would have later.  The truth is.  I DO MIND!”

I hate that whenever I see engagement photos it reminds me that I don’t have them.  That I feel like you got what you wanted and the compromise really was just a ploy to get your way.  I envisioned us having a “his” wedding then a “hers.”  We would do it your way first, simple and classic.  NO fuss, nothing lavish, just go to the court sign the papers, pay the fees, and say the vows.  Now my way doesn’t seem to be in the picture and what am I supposed to tell the kids that you may never give me and the best friend that I asked to be my Maid of Honor?

So here I am.  Young enough to have a bottle in my mouth compared to you and a newly-wed holding onto what I can, because of everything I have already lost in life.  The one chance I had to have the life I felt robbed of I chose the opposite.  I got robbed again and somehow I wish I hadn’t said, “I do.”

BKennedy-Osiro

© [bretagnebko] and [https://letmeseethelight.wordpress.com], [2013]. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to [bretagnebko] and [https://letmeseethelight.wordpress.com] with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

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