I have finally come across a term that describes my recent bouts of sadness, “Stepmommy blues.”  I refuse to use depression because I have been actually very happy lately.  Things are going well in my marriage and to account for my happiness last night I danced with my 6 month old Dobie while my son played, “Peanut butter Jelly” for his dad who was entirely clueless to this upbeat tune.

I will pause to suggest that you google that song and listen to it to get the full on visual effect.

Now that you have a full on scene of me dancing in the living room holding my dogs two front paws in my hand prancing to the beat as my husband amusingly stares at me and our son laughs at the moves he did not realize his stepmom had, we can move along.

I am a stepmom to a 9 year old son and it is painful more than it is joyful.  To start, if I could do it all over again I am not 100% sold that I would have chose this path.  No offense to my husband as I am blessed to have him in my life, but being a stepmother ladies, lets face it.  This is not a stroll in the park.  This is a marathon race that pounds on the doors of our hearts like feet hitting pavement.  I don’t want to be his MOM as he has a mother who is involved in his life and from all accounts does her job well.  I do want to be apart of a family and that I am not.  I am a mere extension looking through the window pane waiting to be let in.  To be frank as possible of my feelings my husband is not much help in this area.  His son is his pride and joy in which I would never want to come in between, but I do want to feel included which I am not.  At every corner I am reminded that I am the S-T-E-P-M-O-M!  As if I needed a reminder that I did not push this boy when he was seconds away from birth through a canal that gets wider than any man could ever imagine.  I GET IT ALREADY!  That is what I want to shout every time I hear, “My son.”

It is frustrating and I am trying to be patient as the realization that I signed myself up for this constantly rings the evolution of my life into my red hot ears.  I just wished this marriage came with a warning label.


Maybe had I read the fine print I would not be in this position.  For those reading my blog for the first time I grew up in foster care.  I already felt the feelings described above for 15 years of my life and as an adult the last thing I wanted for myself was to feel outside in a world that I built.  There was nothing more that I wanted to have a family and the happiest time of my life has become the biggest blues that I am not sure Postpartum blues can compare to.  I am not this kids mother as much as I may try to be apart of his life.  It just is not my position and it will never be.  He handles that well.  He never makes me feel like I am not apart of this family, his family with him and his dad.  Sure he has referred to me as “stepmom” but it had no condescending effect.  It was used as a matter of fact.  With my husband it is another ball game and it makes me so sad.  I am not apart of him, I am just the woman he married.  My position has no weight.  I am not his flesh and blood, more importantly I haven’t created anything that is his blood, nothing that is an extension of him that connects him to me that would replace this neglect with some basic form of unconditional love.  This results in a very painful, very real, stepmommy blues that took root the day I moved in and has festered and reared its ugly head the past 72 hours.

The sad thing is I love this kid, I love kids period.  I have my childhood to thank for that.  It was bitter sweet but it taught me a lot.  Mostly it taught me to be sensitive and attentive to children and perhaps though in my twenties I am still that child.  Who is longing and waiting for someone to be attentive to me, my needs.  My need for love, for family.

I guess I have been singing the blues far longer than what I thought.  I sang the foster-care blues, post foster-care blues, out-on-my-own blues, looking-for-love-in-all-the-wrong-places blues, and now I’m singing the S-T-E-P-Mommy blues.

I think I just found the titles for my next three blogs….

Thank you for reading my blues….


© [bretagnebk] and [https://letmeseethelight.wordpress.com], [2013]. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to [bretagnebk] and [https://letmeseethelight.wordpress.com] with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.


4 thoughts on “S-T-E-P-MOMMY BLUES

  1. You’re a very insightful woman and this post is poignant. I battle depression myself & your post is thought-provoking.

  2. Wow.. This is like reading something I would have written at 26. When I was 25 I did not date men who had kids, they were not an option. I’d married once young and gotten divorced, he (the ex) had kids with his ex-wife and I was a very young step-mom. I hated it. It was not something I ever wanted to do again.

    When I met my husband he was handsome and charming but he had 2 kids and a soon to be ex-wife. I told him flat out that I was not interested but he persisted and I finally gave in. What a mistake… it’s been 12 years and I can honestly say if I could do it all over again I would never marry a man with kids. I might be more biased these days because my husband (yes the same man who begged me to go out with him and then begged me to marry him) cheated on me for 7 years while I raised his youngest son, who by the way has ADHD.

    I love his son’s but this is not the life I wanted. I sacrificed because I loved my husband so much. God if I could only have a time machine. If I could only have held my ground when he asked me over and over to go on a date with him.

    Being a step-mom blows.

    1. You are correct on all accounts. Being a stepmom does really go against what I wanted for my life. Too often I look around and I am sad simply because so many of the things I never wanted in a relationship are playing out like a fiddle and I am the strings. Looking back if I knew the position I would be in today like you I may never have said, “I do.” I would have said, “I won’t tolerate that.” This is the very reason I believe God only allows us to see so far ahead. If we knew the way situations would unfold many of us would never take that first step to learning. That is what trials and tribulations do. They teach us even if we don’t want the lessons. When it comes to my marriage I am blessed. So many people out there would want to trade places with me, not to gain the pain, but to get access to the positive that is prevalent in my life but not in theirs. Life could be worse. One thing that keeps me going is that I prayed about my marriage. I did not marry my husband for my wants I asked God what He wanted. Often times even asking God, “Are you sure you want me to marry him?” Each time I got reassurance from God and often direct signs that I was going the right way. In life I have learned that God doesn’t bring you into a valley that doesn’t lead to a mountaintop. Somewhere, somehow in this marriage God is going to bring the desires of my heart to pass. That is what He promises and if it does not happen (in a joking voice) God and I will have a serious sit down when I get to heaven to discuss this….lol

      I am very sorry about what your husband has done to you, to your marriage, to your children, and to himself. Right now you are being tested. I have read your blogs, read some of the comments and one thing that keeps coming to mind though I do not know how what your personal feelings are about divorce, I keep thinking of the vows that were made. When the going gets tough we want to leave. Often times we are even justified in walking away. Divorce was not common back in the Bible days, and though things were VERY different the trajectory to our society now is so sad. In the Bible days men respected, honored, and cherished their wives and vice versa. I know better is not visible in this worse situation so, “for better or worse” may seem more than foreign, but you are doing it. Though you have your days and it is not easy I encourage you to keep staying true to your vows. I know it is so hard to do the right thing when others have wronged us. It is always easier to love someone who is loving you but to love someone who doesn’t is true love, honor, and respect. In the long run God will reward you for being who HE wanted you to be instead of what your husband caused you to be….

      Keep going, your race is still ahead of you….

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