Right about now I am feeling deflated.  I have been running on empty for so long.  Forever to be exact and yet somewhere in me I keep finding the ability to pour into others.  Right now I am drained of everything and need someone to do the same for me.  It really bites.

I hate that I have to ask for a hug.  I hate that I have become every other married woman who wonders, “what happened to my relationship?” and “how did I get here?”  I thought I had it all figured out.  I can recall vividly the security I once had in my relationship.  I knew I was the luckiest woman alive.  I knew I did not have to worry for anything.  If I ever felt down he was just a phone call, text message, or at the very least an email away.  Now he is just a bedroom away and I feel he is further than the long distant relationship that got us here in the first place.

Note: anyone who has ever endured foster care or anything of the like needs A LOT.  We require a lot of love and I am sorry to the friends, husbands, wives, and loved ones that have chosen to be in our lives but it is simply a fact.  Go long enough without love and your cup will be so empty that to survive every day life we NEED that love.  A person can not go a lifetime without it.  We are not designed to.  It is not the way God wired us.  Even He realized that Adam needed a partner.  That God with all His love would utilize another human being to provide daily essentials that God could provide Himself says a lot.

Note: Those who have gone through foster care and endured things of the like need to be understanding as well that the people who love you most may NOT be able to give you what you need.  And as unfortunate as it is YOU may HAVE to be the person who does that for yourself.  You may need to find ways to encourage yourself, to love yourself and I know you are tired and weary of doing it but the fact of the matter is they may not KNOW how.  Maybe they are being selfish, inconsiderate, and thoughtless but at the end of the day WE have always had OURSELVES to rely on.  Do NOT assume that when circumstances in life change that all of a sudden so will this part of your life.  In the same token don’t give up on the possibilities that one day, just one day, maybe someone out there somewhere will love you unconditionally and consistently the way EVERY human deserves…until that day I guess we have to find our own way….


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6 thoughts on “Deflated

  1. As I read the first two sentences I think to myself, these are pages out of my personal journal…I feel like we are feathers from the same bird

    1. Thank you for taking the time to share. We just may be and that is the sad part. So many people have been so hurt that our stories not only seem universal they seem all too familiar…I find the way you stated that you, “feel like we are feathers from the same bird” is poetically stoic. I encourage you to find ways to fill your own cup. It is not easy as I am doing this myself day to day but it seems to be working and if nothing else it passes the time. I paint, go for a run, take my dog to the park…etc. Anything I can do to pour into myself.

  2. I just read three or four of your posts, and I wanted to let you know that I think you are a brave woman. My childhood was blessed. I grew up in an amazing family, so I can’t say that I understand exactly where you are coming from, but i can sympathize. I’ve never had any sort or romantic relationship. It just never happened. I know what you mean about needing to focus on some self-love rather than expecting it from others. I’ve come to realize that people, no matter how hard they try, will let you down. Only God can truly fill that empty spot in your soul. When I am feeling neglected relationship wise, I like to read the Song of Solomon. Thank you for your honesty, I’m sure many people can relate.

    1. Thank you for reading my blogs. Im sorry you have not found love yet. It is a sign that the person God designed for you isn’t ready yet and perhaps you neither. It sounds like you are on the right path focusing on God and relying on Him to fill that void. That is best because every one else sooner or later will let you down. I am not being pessimist. It is a mere fact…

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