Right about now I am feeling deflated. I have been running on empty for so long. Forever to be exact and yet somewhere in me I keep finding the ability to pour into others. Right now I am drained of everything and need someone to do the same for me. It really bites.
I hate that I have to ask for a hug. I hate that I have become every other married woman who wonders, “what happened to my relationship?” and “how did I get here?” I thought I had it all figured out. I can recall vividly the security I once had in my relationship. I knew I was the luckiest woman alive. I knew I did not have to worry for anything. If I ever felt down he was just a phone call, text message, or at the very least an email away. Now he is just a bedroom away and I feel he is further than the long distant relationship that got us here in the first place.
Note: anyone who has ever endured foster care or anything of the like needs A LOT. We require a lot of love and I am sorry to the friends, husbands, wives, and loved ones that have chosen to be in our lives but it is simply a fact. Go long enough without love and your cup will be so empty that to survive every day life we NEED that love. A person can not go a lifetime without it. We are not designed to. It is not the way God wired us. Even He realized that Adam needed a partner. That God with all His love would utilize another human being to provide daily essentials that God could provide Himself says a lot.
Note: Those who have gone through foster care and endured things of the like need to be understanding as well that the people who love you most may NOT be able to give you what you need. And as unfortunate as it is YOU may HAVE to be the person who does that for yourself. You may need to find ways to encourage yourself, to love yourself and I know you are tired and weary of doing it but the fact of the matter is they may not KNOW how. Maybe they are being selfish, inconsiderate, and thoughtless but at the end of the day WE have always had OURSELVES to rely on. Do NOT assume that when circumstances in life change that all of a sudden so will this part of your life. In the same token don’t give up on the possibilities that one day, just one day, maybe someone out there somewhere will love you unconditionally and consistently the way EVERY human deserves…until that day I guess we have to find our own way….
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