It is all too often lately that I doubt myself which to be frank is unusual. I have a sense of confidence that could easily be mistaken for arrogance or that of someone who is spoiled. Note: I have never been called arrogant but definitely have been called spoiled. Which anyone who knows me would find ironic. Note #2: there are not many people who get to be spoiled who have endured foster care, it is somewhat of a paradox however, NOT impossible.
I am blessed to have been given the ability to have the confidence that I possess. To be able to be more than comfortable in my own skin, perhaps too comfortable. That does not mean that I don’t have my moments of insecurities or doubt. Even today after the evolution of becoming a woman I feel like my biggest encouragement. Luckily, I have been granted a couple of friendships that I can rely on but my circle of support is still small and the arrows to encourage myself are pointing at me.
A little background information, I moved to be with my husband. He was already at our location and had been here for 25 years or so. I came out here since he has a son and is so plugged in that nothing would cause him to move anywhere else. It seemed easier that I would be the one to relocate. Well, it is not so simple moving into someone else’s territory. Often it is a constant reminder that you are the outsider, you do not belong. Or “I” rather…Nonetheless, I am having a time adjusting and the issues of settling into living with another human being who happens to be a male is not simple. The relationship is in a valley and I currently have 0 support here physically. When I am having a long day, when I need a hug I have no one to give me that. It is so painful and I did not foresee myself in this position. After all I am a “newlywed”. Well the pain is not so new as I have been here before. I have never been married, but I have had a lifetime of pain as many other children who have been raised in the circumstances of a broken home that resulted in foster care have witnessed.
I swore it was all over. You turn 18, move on, and leave your past behind. You heal, you grow, graduate from college, establish a career, get married, and one day have kids. For me in that order (but no kids yet) 😦
It did not go away, that being the pain. It is still here and very present in my life. I do not have to look in the mirror at the beautiful face that I call my own to recognize her. She lurks in this house. On the couch that I sit alone on when I should be cuddled, in the bed that I partially fill up because the space where he belongs is void of his existence, on the layers of my epidermis that he no longer touches. The senses go dull at the lack of encouragement, but they are awakened by her familiar scent that immediately follows loneliness. Her name is PAIN.
I would like to take the time to say thank you to a young lady whose blog can be found at http://painacolada.wordpress.com. I woke up this morning at approximately 6:45 am, reached for my phone to check my email and found someone not only took the time to comment on my blog but to follow it as well. No one has followed my blog yet. People have read it. My husband has read it, my closest friends have read it. Yet no one has clicked that little box that says more than it says “follow”, Im listening to what you have to say. It is odd that you will receive the most flattering, meaningful, compliments from strangers. It will not be from the ones you love the most. The ones you love the most will be the ones who hurt you the deepest.
I started this blog to give encouragement to people who had gone through foster care and anyone who could benefit from my experiences not because I think they are unique, but because so many out there have a similar story. If nothing else it is to say, “you are not alone”.
Sometimes a simple word of encouragement can inspire you enough to believe that you matter, you are making a difference, and someone out there somewhere is listening. That is what I woke up to this morning and it was the best way I could have started my day.
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