Foster care taught me a lot! It taught me to stand up for what I believe in. To fight for what I love or it can be taken away from me. So that is what I do. I wake up and I fight. I fight for my freedom, salvation, my marriage, my identity, my self-respect, my well-being. It seems that is what I only knew to do so now when I think about how I spend my day I wonder, “Do you live?” and “Are you happy?” These questions plague me ever so slightly when my husband is no longer on the phone and the distant voice becomes my own not so distant voice. Or when the best friend of four years suddenly stops calling. That is the moment we all start thinking, right? Or is this my own vague sense of honest sanity that no one else indulges in. When the human voices cease because all of our human contacts have gone home what thoughts do we have. For me the voice is loneliness. Busyness and loneliness are her names and she visits me when no one else is around. She is that difference between lying in bed, vegging out during a good book and WAKING up…looking for an audition, sketch on my pad because the next idea is moments away sleeping inside my heart while “loneliness” tells me that I have nothing better to do. So my happiness at times seems fleeting though it really isn’t because sometimes like most humans I identify my happiness with people, places, or things like a classic noun until every now and again God whispers in my ear ever so softly and says, “Look at My clouds, My grass, My rainbow in the sky and somewhere in between making all of that, I stopped to make you.” Can you imagine being as important as the wind, the sun, and the stars? It is moments like that where the world stops for me (in my own world of course) just so God could tell me…whatever it is He wants to tell me. That is when I look at my life void of millions, sometimes wondering about tomorrow and think, “I am one blessed and highly favored woman.” I have a brilliant man who loves me, and who I am to speak for itself. Even if the person sitting next to me on the bus has no idea what that is, who I am, or where I belong knowing I am where I should be by design makes me happy. Just thinking out loud.
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